Do you feel like you are a perfectionist?
Do you feel like you attract or are attracted to the messy, unorganized type that you need to help?
As always let’s look at the definition as sometimes people ask me if they are this or that or have characteristics of the like. I don’t try to take that kind of power so you decide.
Perfectionist – (noun) A person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection.
To a perfectionist, anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
I have worked with may people who may brag at first about their “perfectionism.” After a while we take a look at how perfectionism has caused them to not participate in many areas of life that might be fun if they were not afraid of not doing things perfectly, I totally understand. Sometimes low self-esteem is under the title of perfectionism, it comes from a place generated from fear. It would be what I think is a characteristic of “false esteem,” which we develop to keep our insecurities from being seen. Which ironically is the fear of not being good enough, isn’t it weird how people do that, what is even weirder is that we often times are doing it too and not noticing ourselves doing these things that would be characteristic of false-esteem.
This topic was brought to mind because last month I did not do my monthly blog or newsletter, if I were a perfectionist I would probably either make excuses, be tripping and thinking bad thoughts about myself about what a slacker I am, or even less evolved blame someone or something else. Those things are not empowering though but if I were a perfectionist I would be mad at myself or others. That really does not serve a purpose. I used to do all of that before recovery and programs and such, I know some people still do it, not my business. It is through recovery though that I learned many of these labels that I had for myself or others were not serving a purpose. We cannot find solutions through self-loathing, hate, excuses, and blame, in my mind that is what the problem with politics is but that is not what this is about.
So I did not post a blog last month or do a newsletter because I was living life to the fullest!!! I have learned just to say what I mean and mean what I say but not to be mean. This is empowering and has raised my self-esteem, but first I had to be teachable, I had to learn how to say what I wanted, needed and desired after I was clear about it. Many of us grew up in homes where we did not feel heard, and probably weren’t so it is very hard for us to say things we don’t know how to say, react or respond ways we don’t know how to act so many sit on the sidelines and try to be a perfectionist because maybe if we said or did it right we could get the attention we desired ( not that we felt worthy enough to desire anything or even use that word). This is not to blame anyone, this is for our acknowledgment for our evolution. Remember I say after 21 it is up to us to take responsibility for our life. Our parents have done the best with what they knew, we have no excuse we live in an information age. There is an answer if we surf our emotions and surf the net we can easily find many problems and many solutions.
Through looking at ourselves we can have more compassion for ourselves and others. People will not feel judged in our energy when we let go of the false-esteem and are able to be real and not try to project “perfectionism” outward. That is not to say that we spew problems out to everyone who will listen, it means that we really let people know who we are and let go of the fear of showing up as an image we want to project from false-esteem.
“We can choose to be perfect and admired or to be real and loved.” ~ Glennon Doyle Melton
So by now you know how perfectionism and false-esteem may have shown up, but here is how it looks when we are not willing to look at that aspect of ourself. The false-esteem is attracted to someone who seems like they need our help, this way we can think we have esteem. I’m not talking about therapists, coaches and the like, they do not have any vested interests only your well-being. I’m talking about partners, whether it be work buddies, best friends, or relationships of the intimate nature. People that you may get to have this false-esteem with and possibly control through helping them make decisions, money or sex, all equalling a manipulated outcome. Really, it boils down to that there is a desire for nurturing, that is what both parties intend in the beginning but it leads to unhealthy codependence. This is where I refer back to the question, ” Do you feel you attract or are attracted to the messy, unorganized type you need to help?”
You can tell if you have this pattern if you have resentments, judgment and hate at the end of relationships. Is the next relationship to subconsciously prove your value and worth? We can tell we haven’t done the healing work if we are still talking about the ex in the next.
I am not saying to not help people, that is a very humane thing to do. I, myself get by with a little help from my friends. This is a beautiful world and so many people have wonderful talents and gifts, they are to be shared and also when people can they can show appreciation, that is not buying or faking ourselves out. When we are able to bravely look at our wounds and pains of the loss of relationship in whatever form or role it may take we can then decide and work on our own intentions and motivations and why my or our wounds were attracted to their wounds. When we do this we can experience forgiveness, when we experience forgiveness, we grow in compassion, it could be the other way around but I think what really matters is that we grow. The insanity of making the same mistakes just calls for growth. The most important relationship is to self, it lives within our cells and souls until we release the pain we chose. This calls for consciousness, until we make conscious decisions which are different we may continue to allow unconscious decisions chart our path. These look like just outward attractiveness, or neediness and not really getting to know a person. Once we get to really know ourselves and take responsibility for our choices our lives do not become perfect, it already is even in its imperfection because of this and the polarities of it all it is an adventure.
How many adventures are not taken because of the fear of it not being perfect? Would we be worried about the label of perfect if we had no imperfections? Can we get to acceptance of imperfection through perfect forgiveness and compassion of looking at the pain and so-called ugly bits of our life? We all have them, this is where humanity comes in when we can recognize what serves us and what doesn’t then we can truly, organically, and authentically serve.
Those who know me know that I love Alice In Wonderland as her adventures have resonated with me, her fear, stubbornness and curiosity. I finish with a quote, as I have learned after all the beautiful principles of compassion, forgiveness and acceptance to name a few, humor at myself and journeys and embracing the uncertainty but knowing that this universe is a great guide when I accept what I need to learn.
” Would you tell me please which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat
“I don’t much care where~” said Alice
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat
~ so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
This quote says in essence “you’re never too old and it’s never too late, just stay on your path, keep walking and if you don’t know where you are going you will get there.”
Being able to not be perfect and to be teachable has taken me a long way, making mistakes with the bends and turns of lessons has made for quite the adventure. I breathe, pray and say I don’t know. I come to forks in the road and have to re-route but I am moving, living without a doubt. So yea, I missed the blog last month and it’s ok, no one fell out.
I wish you all much peace and love also lots of adventures!